It is with my deepest regret to inform that I have failed. It was not even 24 hours since the previous post that I have succumbed to the twitter temptation. Susah weh when twitter is basically my search engine.
Takpe la I’ll just pretend today didn’t happen.
And by bullshit, I mean my once-every-3-months-melancholic-lonely-and-depressive-temporary-social-media-hiatus state.
This is getting tiring, I know. I never succeed in my hiatus. Paling lama pun mungkin 2 minggu before I decide that I can no longer live without twitter. I don't know why I keep doing this, but here I am yet again.
Episod kali ini stems from that one instagram story from a friend I hold dear in my heart, in which I'd rather not delve into the details sebab nanti I'd sound petty and I hate that. My sane brain would make a logical excuse for it, but my bitter heart would be all sad and pathetic. For now? The bitter heart wins. I'd rather not remember what this is about nanti bila I become all good.
I don't think I've had anyone actively chooses me and includes me in things. Maybe I do, but my bitter heart chooses not to remember for now. (Ok la. Nad always asks me to join her in things hahaha. And maybe also Shifaa' for always letting me be one of the earliest to know her little secrets. And Illy too, for always agreeing to whatever and whenever time I need my cravings satisfied. Yall may not read this ever, but I love you and our friendship, geng. ). But excuse me for being greedy, but I want more. Because I actively choose the people I love, but some of them never seem to do the same for me.
You know, the main reason I keep doing this hiatus thing is because I want someone -- anyone, to notice my absence. For anyone to hit me up in Whatsapp and ask, "Hey, I notice that you havent been around. You okay?" Macam that one quote from Saving Francesca:
"Do you think people have noticed that I'm around?”
“I notice when you're not. Does that count?"
Tapi tu la kan. I never managed to stay away for too long. Mana la orang nak perasan lol.
Although if I'm being honest, I'd never say the truth. You see, I'm very good at deflecting. Some people did pop the "Are you okay?" question. Not when I did my hiatus la. Just some other time when it seems obvious I'm having a hard time. Tapi entah lah. Tak boleh nak dump out my problems. I'd just laugh it off and say "Dah okay dah." when I'm not. I miss having someone I can just cry out my problems too. I've become very good at bottling things up and now that it reaches the bottle's neck, it feels suffocating.
I hope I'll succeed in my hiatus this one time. And I hope I have someone who realises that I'm not around and reach out to me.
