It is with my deepest regret to inform that I have failed. It was not even 24 hours since the previous post that I have succumbed to the twitter temptation. Susah weh when twitter is basically my search engine.
Takpe la I’ll just pretend today didn’t happen.
And by bullshit, I mean my once-every-3-months-melancholic-lonely-and-depressive-temporary-social-media-hiatus state.
This is getting tiring, I know. I never succeed in my hiatus. Paling lama pun mungkin 2 minggu before I decide that I can no longer live without twitter. I don't know why I keep doing this, but here I am yet again.
Episod kali ini stems from that one instagram story from a friend I hold dear in my heart, in which I'd rather not delve into the details sebab nanti I'd sound petty and I hate that. My sane brain would make a logical excuse for it, but my bitter heart would be all sad and pathetic. For now? The bitter heart wins. I'd rather not remember what this is about nanti bila I become all good.
I don't think I've had anyone actively chooses me and includes me in things. Maybe I do, but my bitter heart chooses not to remember for now. (Ok la. Nad always asks me to join her in things hahaha. And maybe also Shifaa' for always letting me be one of the earliest to know her little secrets. And Illy too, for always agreeing to whatever and whenever time I need my cravings satisfied. Yall may not read this ever, but I love you and our friendship, geng. ). But excuse me for being greedy, but I want more. Because I actively choose the people I love, but some of them never seem to do the same for me.
You know, the main reason I keep doing this hiatus thing is because I want someone -- anyone, to notice my absence. For anyone to hit me up in Whatsapp and ask, "Hey, I notice that you havent been around. You okay?" Macam that one quote from Saving Francesca:
"Do you think people have noticed that I'm around?”
“I notice when you're not. Does that count?"
Tapi tu la kan. I never managed to stay away for too long. Mana la orang nak perasan lol.
Although if I'm being honest, I'd never say the truth. You see, I'm very good at deflecting. Some people did pop the "Are you okay?" question. Not when I did my hiatus la. Just some other time when it seems obvious I'm having a hard time. Tapi entah lah. Tak boleh nak dump out my problems. I'd just laugh it off and say "Dah okay dah." when I'm not. I miss having someone I can just cry out my problems too. I've become very good at bottling things up and now that it reaches the bottle's neck, it feels suffocating.
I hope I'll succeed in my hiatus this one time. And I hope I have someone who realises that I'm not around and reach out to me.
It has been a while. Last time I wrote an entry kat blog ni was 2016. That was, what? 7 years ago? Lama gila.
The urge to write here is because sejak kebelakangan ni I keep on having the urge to write. Untuk bercerita. Untuk membebel. Most times I have the urge to membebel on twitter, but that would be a case of oversharing. I could write down in a journal for my own viewing, tapi I hate menulis tangan and I have a terrible handwriting. I could make a digital journal instead, yes. Tapi yang sebenarnya is that I need an audience. (Aku punya nak audience tu, sampai aku membebel banyak and expose my thoughts on goodreads reviews. Sebab gian nak menulis and bercerita punya pasal. That has to stop.)
Hence, this blog resurfaces. My thoughts will be out there publicly for people to read. But I'm pretty sure takde siapa akan baca pun. Heck, takde siapa akan terfikir to look for this blog (despite the fact that my friends know the existence of this blog, tapi ni dah 2023. Nobody blogs anymore). Yang kelakarnya adalah, this blog doesn't even come up on the search results when I googled 'thesuraya'. Yang ada, blog orang lain that is not mine, who also writes book reviews.
But by any chance, you, whoever you are, stumbled upon this entry... well, hello there.
When I think about it, perasaan membuak-buak nak menulis ni mungkin sebab 1) I've been reading tonnes of malay novels, and I've always wanted to write one. But I can't even string a proper sentence. (If I can, though, I wish my writing would be as good as Syud's and Nurul Syahida.) Dan 2) sebab lately I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. Sebab tengah tinggal sorang and I dont have housemates anymore. My labmates pulak sangatlah jarang munculkan diri so I was always alone. Kalau tak, I always have stories to tell. So talkative Suraya is no longer, and I need an outlet.
7 years has passed since 2016. Nothing much has changed, yet a lot of things happened that changed my behaviour, thoughts and surrounding. I was 20 back then. Now, I'm 27!!!!!! The exact age I thought my life would be 'something'. Suraya yang umur 20, pernah terfikir tak that you'll be doing PhD? That's what you are now. Tapi kau still single weh. Menyedihkan hahahaha. Life's been pretty good, though, Alhamdulillah.
More on life updates and whatnots later. Although that later can easily mean next year 👽🤡
I mean, keinginan saya yang membuak-buak untuk menulis dan bercerita ni mungkin boleh berakhir harini je. Siapa tau?
